Month: August 2012

So, if the surgeon is crying as she leaves the consult, is that a game face fail?

Today is the day.  We left Sam at the hospital this morning.  Unfortunately, we held our game face right up until they asked us to take our collar off so they could put their lead on.  At that moment, he knew… something was up and I wasn’t coming with him.   That broke me.  Which made my husband break, which in turn made our surgeon cry.

She tried to hide it, but the vet tech came in and asked us what we did to her doctor…  which made us laugh – but the damage was done.  Sam wouldn’t leave me.  I had to walk him to the door, through the door and into the hospital hallway before there was enough space between us that the vet techs could convince him he needed to go the other way.

Once he was behind the closed door – we both lost it, big time.   I think the whole hospital was crying with us and we owe them a box of kleenex.

Today, I am grateful that I am a logical person.  We took all the facts layed them out in front of us and made the right decision.  It IS the right decision, and yet my heart is screaming “go back, you can stop this…  your dog is still whole.  go back!”  The argument between my head and my heart is enough to make me feel like I am going to explode.  I am not going back, not until tomorrow night – maybe not until Saturday.

My dog is already broken – just because we can’t see it doesn’t mean cancer isn’t there.   We caught it early enough that we can’t see it.  That is a good thing.  When I get him back – he may look different, walk different, but I know in my heart his eyes will be the same.

Still, right now, my heart is screaming.

We got the biopsy results back…  sarcoma, probably osteo.

But, the good news is Dr. S. says his bloodwork was perfect.  The weirdness in his spleen was not cancer and not related to the bone mass.  Add that to his clear lungs and all the other tests that are coming back clean and healthy and we are going into surgery tomorrow under the best possible circumstances.

Today was a day of napping and swimming followed by a bath (to smell nice for the surgeon tomorrow) concluded with a flying dutchman from in-n-out (pssst Sams says all dogs should know about the flying dutchman, AngelAbby here in tripawds suggested it, and he approves).

Cognitively, this is absolutely the right thing to do.  My prayer for the last two days is to please make this choice obvious and without question Sam did his part in making sure we were sure.  Emotionally, this is terrifying. The combination of the two is so surreal.

His dad and I keep making jokes to keep us all laughing.  “Three-paw McGraw” is Sam’s new nic-name…  but when I stop long enough to really feel what we are about to do…  it makes my heart hurt, physically hurt.   But it IS the right thing and we are ready to help him fight.

Surgery is at 8:30 tomorrow am.  Game face until we close the door behind us and leave him in the good care of the excellent staff at Tucson Vet Specialty.  Until then…

What has three paws and is red all over?

So, nobody really knows this blog exists, so it is pretty much written as a way for me to get all of this out of my head.

Today was hard – but ended well.

His lungs are clear – no signs of mets (metasticized cancer tissue) We also checked his thyroid, his belly and took a biopsy.  My biggest fear is that we will come out of surgery and realize, oh – wait…  we were wrong – I guess it was valley fever.

Dr. S. is sure that she will be able to tell from the biopsy if the leision is cancerous or fungal.  We may not know what kind of cancer, but we will know it is not valley fever – 100%.  Knowing that tomorrow means greenlight to schedule the surgery for Thursday. We can always cancel if we learn something unexpected tomorrow.

Meanwhile, the family is home snuggling on the bed.  Sam is still as high as a kite, I don’t know what they gave him but it is the dopey-est I have ever seen him.  Best we just stay in one place for the night, and snuggling on the bed is my favorite place to be.

happy family tonight.

So, this morning was our first oncology appt with Dr. Szivak (pronounced civic) and the good people at Tucson Veterinary Specialists.   As soon as we walked in – the focus was on Sam (the way he likes it) and all the energy was positive.  The staff is amazing and I’ve never seen so many enthusiastic people working in one place.

Sam had me laughing from early this morning – first I tried to get out of bed and he convinced me that I could use another hour or so sleeping with him snuggled into my chest.  Fine.  Then we got up and I went outside to feed the fish before we were about to leave – and the photo is what I saw when I turned around from the fish pond – seriously, this dog is sick?

He doesn’t know it and I think that is my lesson for today.

All he knows is that he met some nice people today, new friends…  yeah sure, they took his temperature (hate that) and they checked his prostate (he didn’t know what that even meant and REALLY hated that) but everyone also gave him love, attention and started calling him “big red dog” almost like they have always known his nic-name.   His arm hurts, but that doesn’t change who he is nor does it affect his goofy perspective on things.  His goal in life seems to be to have fun – always, where ever he is and to make sure all the humans around him are smiling too.

We go back this afternoon to pick him up – he is getting xrays of his lungs to see if the cancer has spread.  They are also doing an ultrasound of his belly – just in case there is something there that could cause a complication – and they are running a full blood panel to make sure his kidneys are working fine.   Dr. S is also looking more closely at his x ray that shows the tumor and will try to do a needle biopsy – which is not nearly as scary as a bone biopsy.  24 hours and we should know what we are fighting.

This afternoon, we should know if he is in strong enough condition to fight it.

game face,
Andy

 

Okay, so…  I’ve decided to start this blog and chronical Samdog’s next adventure.  We have so many people who love us who don’t live close and we want them to know what is happening.  It might be hard to catch us for a while as we sort all of this out, so please know that I plan to try my hardest to keep this up to date, probably for my own catharsis…

Today we learned that the mass on Sam’s right humorus is not valley fever.   Our primary vet thinks it is bone cancer.  We don’t know what kind, we don’t know how advanced, we don’t know how bad, we don’t know our options, we don’t know anything except our seemingly healthy happy dog has a limp and they are telling us the treatment for that is amputation.

We don’t know what we are going to do.  Our first visit with an oncologist is tomorrow morning and we should learn more about our options.  The idea of taking off Sam’s leg is terrifying, but if we can isolate the cancer before it spreads into his lungs – game on.

This website, tripawds.com, has been a godsend this weekend.  I didn’t know how many dogs and their owners face the same choice we are facing.  The community of people who have set up this space for support, optimism, brutal reality and “we’ve been there” advice is amazing and I am so grateful to all of the people here.

One of the best bits of advice is to be more “dog”.  Worrying over every future detail doesn’t help, and I’m missing time with Sam.  I need to practice his zen.  Be here now.

The other bit is a little harder.  I need to practice my game face.  I can’t go into this fight afraid, or Sam will too and that is unaccepatable.

So game on.  move forward…   we will let you know what we learn tomorrow with the oncologist.