Sam wasn’t feeling so great today. His energy seemed low and he hasn’t eaten kibble in a day or two, turkey and flying dutchman he will eat, kibble not so much. Today was also the big chest X ray and chemo #5… The news we got was not the news we wanted, but the big “C” doesn’t play fair and it wasn’t unexpected.
One tiny spot in his lungs has become three, one of them significant and likely the cause of his cough that we noticed last week. Dr. S advised us not to continue with chemo, because of how fast the mets have advanced, even while on the carbo. So, no number 5 for our pup… he came home instead. Dr. S really doesn’t have any other recommendation for us. We could try all sorts of things, but they all have side effects and there isn’t any science that she knows of to support putting him through it. So, he came home with the advice to spoil the crap out of him for as long as we have left, which likely won’t be long but we don’t know that. It is between Sam and the course of nature at this point and I am back to the prayer of please, please, just make it obvious when it is time.
I am sad. I’m afraid my game face has not been good today. I keep finding my brain thinking about things in the future and recognizing that Sam will likely not be there in body to join me for them. It is unimaginable. For 10 years I have poured so much of my heart into this one love, that I am worried I will be a shell of a person when he has to take it with him. In truth, he can have all of it if it will help. Now is not the time to worry about the future.
Now that he is off the chemo – we can load him up on the antioxidents and suppliements he couldn’t have during treatment, just to give Sam as much nutrition in his arsenal as possible. He alone will be fighting this, but we have his back for as long as he needs it.
Until then, I plan to spoil the crap out of my dog. No more worrying about what he gets from the table or how many treats he has eaten tonight. No more yucky kibble when there is turkey in the fridge and steak in the freezer. (actually there is a big slab of salmon on the counter – guess who gets some of that tonight) 🙂 This weekend we will figure out how to warm the pool so he can keep swimming until he doesn’t feel like swimming anymore. The long hours at work can wait and when they can’t, he will come with me. Nobody can say “no” to this three legged, big brown eyed dog with the horrible dog breath, not even me anymore.
It will be the 30 days of Christmas around here. Every day will be a gift and we will focus on that. No more sad blogs, for as long as he is with us.