out, out damn spot…

Sam wasn’t feeling so great today.  His energy seemed low and he hasn’t eaten kibble in a day or two, turkey and flying dutchman he will eat, kibble not so much.  Today was also the big chest X ray and chemo #5… The news we got was not the news we wanted, but the big “C” doesn’t play fair and it wasn’t unexpected.

One tiny spot in his lungs has become three, one of them significant and likely the cause of his cough that we noticed last week.  Dr. S advised us not to continue with chemo, because of how fast the mets have advanced, even while on the carbo.  So, no number 5 for our pup…  he came home instead.  Dr. S really doesn’t have any other recommendation for us.  We could try all sorts of things, but they all have side effects and there isn’t any science that she knows of to support putting him through it.  So, he came home with the advice to spoil the crap out of him for as long as we have left, which likely won’t be long but we don’t know that.  It is between Sam and the course of nature at this point and I am back to the prayer of please, please, just make it obvious when it is time.

I am sad.  I’m afraid my game face has not been good today.  I keep finding my brain thinking about things in the future and recognizing that Sam will likely not be there in body to join me for them.  It is unimaginable.  For 10 years I have poured so much of my heart into this one love, that I am worried I will be a shell of a person when he has to take it with him.  In truth, he can have all of it if it will help.  Now is not the time to worry about the future.

Now that he is off the chemo – we can load him up on the antioxidents and suppliements he couldn’t have during treatment, just to give Sam as much nutrition in his arsenal as possible.  He alone will be fighting this, but we have his back for as long as he needs it.

Until then, I plan to spoil the crap out of my dog. No more worrying about what he gets from the table or how many treats he has eaten tonight. No more yucky kibble when there is turkey in the fridge and steak in the freezer. (actually there is a big slab of salmon on the counter – guess who gets some of that tonight) 🙂  This weekend we will figure out how to warm the pool so he can keep swimming until he doesn’t feel like swimming anymore.  The long hours at work can wait and when they can’t, he will come with me. Nobody can say “no” to this three legged, big brown eyed dog with the horrible dog breath, not even me anymore.

It will be the 30 days of Christmas around here.  Every day will be a gift and we will focus on that.  No more sad blogs, for as long as he is with us.

 

Author: samdog

Sam was a 10 yr old Golden. We found a mass on his right arm bone on August 17, 2012. Confirmed Sarcoma on August 22, amputation on August 23, post amp biopsy confirmed osteosarcoma. We found lung mets on November 27 and Spirit Sam earned his wings on December 2, 2012. As a retired SAR dog, we were always up for an adventure... We didn't know where we were headed, and we don't regret a single step along our path. My heart left us too soon, but left a legacy of love that we will always cherish.

4 thoughts on “out, out damn spot…”

  1. Oh Sam, not the post we want to see, but remember you’re a golden and you don’t take a back seat to anything. I can’t speak with experience to osteo, but I do know that when it comes to the lungs, location seems to make a difference. Harley’s lung tumors are on the peripheral which is apparently a “better” location. Also, his leg was not osteo and the FNA of one of the lung masses was only able to narrow it down to liposarcoma, histiosarcoma or carcinogen which would be primary lung cancer. If he is snubbing the dry kibble it sounds like you are well-stocked with a lot of healthy choices for him and that’s a good thing, the main thing is for him to stay healthy. I know how much Sam means to you by reading your blogs and I think you will be amazed at the strength you will have. You know your dog better than anyone, so take the ques he gives you. Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.

  2. Well, crap. This is not what I wanted to hear either. I’m sorry the check up didn’t work the way we all wanted it to. It’s hard not to think about the future; believe me, I was where you are today. It’s hard to do, but at this point you really have to take things one day at a time. Sam may not be having a good day today, but he might have 10 great days in a row starting tomorrow! So, don’t let today get you down. And don’t waste your time being sad in front of him. As you know, you’ll have plenty of time for that later. Sam loves you, and that’s all he cares about. He wants to know you’re happy. So be happy in front of him. You say that you’re now going to spoil the crap out of Sam. I have a feeling you’ve already been doing that for the past 10 years! But, that’s what dogs are for! They are there for us to love and to spoil. So, outdo yourself in the spoiling department and have a great time doing it. I’d say turkey, steak and salmon is a pretty good start!! We’ll be keeping Sam in our thoughts.

  3. Son of a bitch. My heart is breaking for you guys tonight. Know that Sam won the doggie lottery when you guys took him home. Enjoy every single second with him!

  4. We know where you are Andy and I am happy to see that you have such a great resilience and are getting through each day as you should. Our hearts ache, I want to come back and love Sammy more (so glad I had a great week with him and he even talked to me). What troopers you are. Wish we were closer but we can be if you want that. We’re praying for lots more time for you 3.
    lv u lady
    d

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